Ain't no rest for the wicked
by thingamabob
Summary: Sharingan, lots of torture, and black mail, that's how Itachi handles a bad day with no sleep. *Now a series of one-shots instead of just one.* Yay! (maybe)
1. Chapter 1

_I do not own Naruto_

* * *

 **Ain't no rest for the wicked: Part 1**

.

* * *

.

He lay in his bed with eyes closed tightly, his hands gripping the sheets beneath him. Little to no sleep could drive a man to insanity, he mused as he prayed to Kami to get just a few minutes of sleep. A vein in his forehead throbbed and his eyebrow twitched when a loud explosion happened outside the gate of Konoha. He had wracked his brain for hours, days, weeks trying to come to grips with why the hell leader had chosen to make an alliance with the hidden leaf and moved their base to just outside the village.

He groaned and rubbed his eyes as yet another explosion was heard, closer this time, with loud, angry yelling and someone laughing manically. "I should just kill them all and be done with it." He grumbled as he flung his sheets back and swung his legs off the bed. He glanced at the clock and his eyebrow twitched again. "For fucks sake! It's not even six in the morning!" He yelled to his room.

The old Uchiha compound being where it was, you could hear practically everything going on in and outside the village. At first he was happy to be back. When they had made the alliance, it was only a matter of days before he moved into an old abandoned house in the compound. He was glad to not have to be stuck in such close quarters with those other Akatsuki imbeciles.

He was surprised to say the least to discover it that Madara himself had informed Sasuke of not only the alliance but what had actually happened that horrible night all those years ago when he wiped out the clan. Madara had chosen to instead of using that secret to fuel Sasuke's hatred for Itachi, he would use it to help bring them back together to rebuild a stronger, more loving clan. Thanks to Naruto's notorious Talk-no jutsu, he realized such a clan could be much more powerful than the previous.

"I'm retiring." The much older man had told him. "I figured after all these years and having none of my plans work out, its time to quit." He shrugged. "Besides, we Uchihas are hot blooded men after all- speaking of which.." He had taken off down the beach they had been enjoying, chasing after a well-known pink haired kuinochi in a barely there bikini.

He was a blubbering, joyful mess (internally of course) when Sasuke had shown up the week before. He was quite pleased to hear his precious brother had left that lame ass Orochimaru after he heard the Akatsuki had given up trying to obtain the last two tailed beasts.

"Bros before hos." His foolish little brother had received a punch to the head for misusing that phrase.

Now you would think that with Sasuke being the oh so independent 18 year-old shinobi, he would be living it up in his own house next door, but-

"ITAAACHI!" Sasuke nearly knocked the front door off its hinges as he came in screaming.

Coming out of his kitchen, "What the fu- OMG!" Itachi covered his eyes with one hand and tried to swat the younger man away with the other. "You don't run into someone's house screaming much less shirtless with your dick hanging out!"

Sasuke pulled his pants up but unfortunately for Itachi's growing headache, it did nothing to hide his predicament. "B-but I-I… Why? How? I-I don't-"

The vein on Itachi's forehead throbbed dangerously with every stuttered word. "Stop acting stupid and spit it out!" He yelled like a crazed man.

"WHY IS IT LIKE THIS?! WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?!" Sasuke wailed in horror and gestured to the bulge in his pants.

 _Oh. My. Kami._ _NO! No, no, no-_ _"_ Tsukuyomi. _"_ Sasuke's body dropped to the floor. He groaned and looked to the heavens. He cleared his throat and answered his phone when it started to ring. "Sadistic Shinobi Sex Club. This is Grandmaster Spanky speaking, how may I help you?"

"Cut the bullshit Tachi and get your ass over here!" Kisame's pissy voice came from the other end.

"Where is here?" He nudged Sasuke's limp body with his foot.

"Don't play dumb, asshat. Just-just get over here before I strangle these bastards." Itachi jerked the phone away from his ear when Kisame slammed his phone down.

Stepping over his brothers body. He left the house and jumped to the nearest roof, heading to the base. He didn't get very far when a blur of orange and yellow jumped in front of him.

"Hey! Hey Itachi! Guess what?!" He shoved the excited blond out of his face and made to move around him. "Wait, wait wait!" Naruto stopped him.

"What is it?" He snapped. "Make it quick, I haven't go-"

"Hinata gave me a blow job!"

Itachi did something that scared Naruto. He grinned. "Congrats Naruto-kun. Now go return the favor." He jumped past the younger man to the next roof.

"Huh?" Naruto tilted his head in confusion.

Without stopping, he called back over his shoulder, "Eat her out!"

"Oh! Right!" He chuckled as the blond turned and darted off the way he came.

He jumped to the ground as he neared the gate and decided to stroll the rest of the way. Seeing the crazy fucker running at him, he locked eyes with the masked man. "Tsukuyo-."

Tobi screamed and hid behind a tree. "Ita-chan. Why are you so mean?" The strange man-child whined. "Tobi is a good boy. Tobi only wanted to hug you good morning." It sounded like he was pouting.

He stopped and glared back at Tobi, earning another scream. He walked through the gate while rubbing his temple. _It's not even eight and this day is terrible. How much worse could it get._ Oh Itachi should have never said that.

As soon as he reached the base, his step faltered. There were random pierced body parts everywhere. In the trees, on the ground, and on the front and roof of HQ. His eyebrow raised curiously as his gaze settled on his approaching partner.

The large blue man held his hands in front of him. "Don't ask. Let's just get the numb-nuts and take them down with torture." Something came flying out of nowhere and hit Kisame's head, knocking him over. When he stood up again he was holding a head by its hair.

"Mother fucker! Those bastards blew me up!" Hidan's head raged. "Let me find my body! Ima sacrifice those bitches to Jashin! Assholes! Jashin, fu-"

"Tsukuyomi"

Kisame jumped and nearly dropped Hidan's head. "Shit! Tachi, man. You gotta give a guy some warning before you do that shit!" The shark-man-thing followed the fuming Uchiha into the base, whistling as he "accidentally" hit the head on passing objects.

The place was a wreck. A lamp crashed to the floor as they entered the large common room. They found the two culprits of the destruction in the middle of the room. Deidara was trying desperately to get to his bag of clay that got thrown across the room, but Sasori was pulling his hair, holding him back. Sasori dodged as Deidara swung a fist at him. Deidara pulled his shoe off and threw it at the red head, but he ducked and it sailed past him, hitting Itachi in the face.

Itachi's nostrils flared as his eyes slowly opened. His Mangekyō Sharingan spun wildly, sending Deidara and Sasori into genjutsus much more torturous than Tsukuyomi. Deidara screamed and cried like a young girl with a broken heart and Sasori lay whimpering in a fetal position.

"Kami! What did you do to them?" Kisame asked as he leaned closer to inspect the two.

"Dede thinks his hair is falling out and the mouths all over his body are dropping off him." He picked the blond up by his hair and admired his handy work before tossing him over the arm of the couch. He turned to Sasori and picked him up. "And Sassy here is having his soul ripped from his new, fleshy body while all of his puppets are smashed to pieces by wild little academy students." He placed Sasori in a kneeling position behind Deidara. "Help me out here." He nodded to the blond's rear.

Kisame smirked. "Sure thing." He pulled both males pants down and snickered as Itachi set them up to look like they were fucking.

Itachi pulled a camera from inside his cloak and snapped a picture. "Remind me to give that to Pein when he and Konan return from their honeymoon." He put the camera back in his cloak and handed the picture to the shark-man. "The jutsu will wear off in five minutes, I suggest you be gone by then." He teleported himself back to the gates of Konoha. He sighed and set off for the Forest of Death for a bit of relaxing.

* * *

 **Later that day…**

Who the was he trying to kid? Itachi Uchiha getting to relax?! _HA! Such a ridiculous notion indeed._ Every few steps he took someone or something would stop him or slow him down. No, seriously every few steps. _Oh look here comes another asshole._

Itachi slapped the hand away holding a slip of paper in his face. "What do you want Kazuzu?" He was so close to relaxing, he could finally see the fence that surrounded the forest.

"It's Kakuzu. And you owe me money." The heavily stitched beast breathed in his face. It smelled like a rotting corpse.

Itachi wrinkled his nose and stepped back. "Hn." Pulled a can of air freshener out of his cloak and sprayed it in the small space between them and returned it from where it came. "Fuck off Kazulu."

"Kakuzu." He ground out.

Itachi pushed past the other man. "Fine. Just leave me alone, Kakupoo"

"IT'S KAKUZU DAMN IT!"

"Hn. Whatever." _Just a few steps more and-_

With an angry growl, Kakuzu had charged at him. He spun around, his sharingan spinning. "Amaterasu." Black flames engulfed the now screaming monster. His hands were a blur and within seconds a purple tinted barrier trapped both man and flames. He reached the fence and jumped over it. He took a step and stopped, groaning inwardly.

It was painfully obvious who was behind the Anbu mask, but he'd let it go for now. "Hokage-sama demands your presence immediately. If you resist or try to run, I will kill you."

"Keep dreaming, Hataki." He rolled his eyes and teleported away, black feathers floating to the ground where he had stood.

He appeared outside of the Hokage's office. Before he could so much as raise his hand to knock, the door opened and he caught a glimpse of pink as he was pulled inside and shoved into a chair. "To what do I owe the pleasure of seeing you today, my beautiful hime?" He smiled lazily at the irate woman sitting on the other side of the desk. An empty sake bottle was thrown at his head, which he easily caught.

"Can it Uchiha!" Tsunade barked. "I should have you thrown in a room with Ibiki after the trouble you've caused today!" She slammed her fist on her desk. Sakura set a stack of folders on the desk and gave him the same glare as her teacher. "What the hell is your problem, brat?! Do you have any idea the damage you've caused?" Not answering, he only raised a questioning brow. She stood and grabbed the folders and tossed them in front of him. "No less than 30 individuals were reported to have been trapped in various genjutsus. Twenty ninjas, including members of Akatsuki, who are _not_ my problem. Even worse, there were seven citizens, and three cats." Tsunade looked crazed at this point. "CATS! Fucking cats, Uchiha!"

* * *

 **Later that night…**

Itachi stood in the middle of his livingroom with his hands on his hips. He eyed the two teenagers sitting on his couch. "Sasuke-kun, you are too far behind in the ways of life. You need to learn about sex."

"But Ita, I already know-"

"Yes, Sakura-chan. We both know how.. adept you are, but I'm afraid our dear Sasuke-kun is not. He needs another man to show him how its done." Sasuke blushed and looked away. "However, seeing as I am too tired and about to go to bed, I've hired someone else to teach you. They are an expert in this field and the best one suited to help." Someone knocked at the door. "And there they are." He opened his door and ushered the man inside with the others.

"Yo." The silver haired ninja called with a wave of his hand.

"Kakashi?!" Sasuke and Sakura yelled.

"Yes." He turned to the masked man. "Now that you're here, I expect him to be well informed of general sex-ed and the fine art of loving making by morning." The men nodded. "Good night." Itachi called out as he walked to his room.

That night he finally got some much needed rest, being lulled to sleep by the sounds of passionate love making in the other room.

"Ahh! Damn it Sasuke!" Kakashi yelled. "You stick it in her, not me!"

"S-sorry."

 _Ah yes. So soothing._


	2. Chapter 2

**Part 2**

...'_'...

.

THUNK. THUNK. THUNK. Three kunai pierced a picture taped to a dart board. The picture had once been one of a dark haired man with a nice guy pose. After many attacks by kunai and senbon, the man's identity was no longer discernible.

"Man, this blows." A sake cup smashed into the wall next to the dart board. A large blue fish man thing sat slumped in his chair. He crossed his arms and pouted. "There's gotta be something more fun to do." His eyes lit up as a thought occurred to him. "Hey, Genma." He turned a predatory grin to his new drinking buddy.

"Hmm?" Genma, who had his chair leaned back and feet propped on the table, turned his usual bored expression to other man… thing.

Kisame glared at the fourth wall for a second before grinning again. "I got the perfect idea to have some fun." If he wasn't so manly, he would've been bouncing in his seat.

"What's that?" Genma raised a curious brow.

"Bar fight." Kisame's teeth gleamed in the dim light as he grinned. "You in?"

Genma looked up at the ceiling with his hands behind his head and rolled the senbon in his mouth. "Nah. I'm good. I like my boys right where they are, thanks."

"Huh?" The fish man's face contorted in confusion.

"Heh." Genma's lazy ass just couldn't chuckle like a normal person. _Hey!_ Ah, now it's his turn to glare at the fourth wall. He shook his head, dropped his feet and arms, and turned to his, sort of, friend as seriously as he could muster. He sighed with a sweat drop, then turned "serious" again. "You know who the Hokage is, don't you?" His friend nodded. "Well, let me put it this way.. if you like having your _full man package_ and _don't_ wish to become one with the earth, then I suggest _not_ destroying her favorite place."

"But I thought the bar down the street was her favorite place? You know, the one with the naked men?" Kisame's brow furrowed, clearly more confused now.

"Oh my sweet summer child." Genma cooed in a mocking tone. His lips twitched into a smirk. "Every, and I mean _every_ place that will serve her an abundance of sake is her favorite place. And if it allows gambling, then it's in your best interest to not draw attention… _at all_." His face darkened and his last words echoed with doom. Genma looked at the fourth wall with distaste. _Echoed with doom? Really?_

"Hmm. If that's the case.." Kisame closed his eyes as he rubbed his chin in deep thought. He stood and started to walk away.

"Hey! Where ya going, Gramps?" Genma turned to watch the other man.. fish?

Kisame stopped and fisted his hands, but quickly calmed. He looked back over his shoulder with a toothy grin. "To challenge the princess to a spar." He laughed loudly as he left the bar and a very worried Genma. "And I'm _not_ old!" His voice called out before the door closed.

"Your funeral." He turned around and propped his feet on the table.

"Hiya, Genma!" SMACK! The loud voice in his ear made him jump and down he and the chair went. "Oh my, Genma! Are you ok?" The masked person helped him up and back in his chair.

"Tobi! My man! Listen up, I got something fun for you." Genma pulled a scroll from… somewhere and placed it on the table.

"Oh! Oh! Tobi loves fun! What is it? Is it _super_ fun?" Tobi clapped his hands and bounced in his seat.

"It's super _duper_ fun!" Genma insisted, wrapping his arm around the other guy and pulling him close. "So here's whatcha gotta do.."

* * *

"Gah!" Kisame closed his eyes as he was slammed into the ground, creating a crater. "Ooof!" His eyes bulged as something hard, yet soft crashed down on him, nearly winding him. He looked at the thing still on top of him. His eyes flashed and he smiled. "I never thought you'd be so forward, Tsunade."

Tsunade's eye twitched as she felt his hands rubbing her thighs. "Why you.." She growled.

Kisame moved his head just in time to avoid Tsunade's punch. "Uhh… gotta go!" He grinned and with a puff of smoke, was replaced with a log.

Tsunade's eye twitched when she looked up and saw him running off in the distance. She jumped out of the crater with a growl and started to run after him. "You can run but you can't hide, Hoshigaki!" She yelled and shook her fist like the crazy old lady she is. She tripped over a pebble, but quickly stood and looked around wildly with murder in her eyes. "Who called me a crazy old lady?! Show yourself!"

"It wasn't me! Tobi is a _good_ boy!" Tobi yelled as he popped out of a bush holding a strange device close to his face.. mask."

"Uhh… ok." Forgetting about Kisame, Tsunade adjusted her top and dusted herself off. "What's that you got in your hand?"

"It's a decorder.. no wait, a recarder. No. No. That's not right." He scratched his head and mumbled. A lit bulb appeared above his head. "I got it! It's a recorder! Genma gave it to me. He said I had to record Kisame's fight and then after that I could do whatever I want." He raised his other arm to see his watch. "Oh gee! I got to go! Fare thee well, Princess." And Tobi disappeared through the trees.

* * *

After several minutes, Kisame came flying out of the village gates and jumped into the nearest tree. He stopped a few branches up and masked his chakra. Checking his surroundings, his head whipped around like a possessed owl's. Kisame snorted. He sat on the branch and leaned against the tree. "Ahh break time." He let out a relieved sigh and smiled. He closed his eyes and relaxed…. for about five seconds. A loud boom sounded and shook the tree he was in. He sat up and glared in the direction of the noise. "Those bastards better not wreck the base again." He growled. "Itachi will kill me if he has to clean up again." Whined and returned to his previous position. After a whole, undisturbed minute had passed, he was sure it wouldn't happen again.

How wrong he was. Three point two seconds after his thought, four consecutive booms sounded. Kisame sat up, his eyes wide in shock. The tremors that followed proved to be too much for the tree he was in. He heard loud cracking. "Uh oh." That was all he had time to say before the tree fell, taking the screaming missing nin with it.

Kotetsu and Izumo poked their heads out either side of the open gate and gaped at the sight. As the dust settled, they watched as Kisame emerged the debris of the fallen tree.

"Those asshats!" Kisame roared.

The two nins blinked. "That old guy just destroyed that tree. Should we do something about it?" Izumo asked.

"Nah. Just let Lady Tsunade handle it." Kotetsu waved it off. "It's obviously those annoying Akatsuki screwing shit up again."

"Hey! I'm not old damnit." The two looked at him curiously. "Why does everyone keep saying i'm old?" Kisame whined.

"Cause you are?" Izumo ventured a guess.

"Dude!" Kisame's looked almost hurt. "I'm like thirty two."

Kotetsu and Izumo looked at each other and laughed. "Sure you are. Keep telling yourself that grandpa." Kotetsu called back as they started walking back to their station.

Kisame pouted again. "I am not pouting!" He yelled. "I'm outwardly showing my displeasure." He pointed out and stomped off with a glare.

* * *

Kisame jumped through the trees and dropped to the ground outside the base. The sight before him was amazing. He saw Sakura in a new, dazzling light as he watched her pound Deidara mercilessly into a pulp. Obviously one of those loud booms was one of Dede's art projects and Sakura happened to get caught in the blast. Either that or a wild pack of badgers are responsible for her shredded clothes that now left little to the imagination. He had a goofy smile on his face. She might not have known it, but there was a rip in her shorts and when she moved just the right way it revealed her naught bits. Something fell out of a tree and into the bush next to him. All he caught a was something orange and a blinking red light before being called out.

"Screw off fish face! Unless you want to be next." Sakura yelled while holding onto Deidara's hair.

Kisame stepped closer to the girl, ignoring the crying blonde who was begging for his help. "Kinky. I like it." He leaned down closer to her face. "How 'bout me and you ditch this punk and have a bit of _fun_?" His eyebrows wiggled suggestively.

"Fuck you, fish stick!" She let go of Deidara's hair to give him two birds.

"Oh yeah? I'll show you fish _stick_ , Pinky." He picked Sakura up and ran into the base with her.

* * *

No one knew what had happened to Sakura until a week later. Sakura entered the village, passing Kotetsu and Izumo.

"Hey, Sakura-chan!" Izumo called and she stopped to give a weak wave. "We ordered too much sushi. Would you like some?"

Sakura's eyes clouded over seeing the fish in the container. She turned and walked off with a crazed laugh.

Izumo blinked. "Well that was odd. Now what are we going to do with all this sushi?" He scratched his head.

"Let's just give it to that really weird Akatsuki guy. You know, the one who talks in third person." Kotetsu offered.

"Tobi?"

"Yeah, that's the one." They were quiet a moment. "Is it just me or does his name sound an awful like Obito?"

They hummed in thought then looked at each other. "Nah!" They chorused and went back to whatever the hell they were doing.


End file.
